Posted in Writing

Proud Love

Fire eclipses my soul
Makes me drown
The memories of it engulfing all my things
Still tears me apart

No longer do I hold onto that pain
I don’t want it to keep repeating itself within my being
I’ve rose from the ashes
I’ve learned where my place is
I’ve never forgotten how I had to stand on my own
When all I wanted was comfort
I learned how to fight back
Get back to where I needed to be

I walked through life
Thinking I had everything I needed
But when you meet people
You see some of what you’re missing
You’re heart burns for that love
That love that holds you when you have a bad dream
When you don’t want to walk into that dark room
When you need that encouragement
That moment where you hear the proudness in their voice

I’ve thought that I didn’t need that
But everyone whose ever been born needs to know they matter
That they belong on this Earth

You’re heart burns for that love

That love that holds you close
When you don’t get it
You learn to live without it

But when you hear it, the tears still fall
And shock still sails through your soul
Even if its not the people you hear it from
Those that are in your life are still proud of you

I’m glad you’re here

Posted in Writing

Foolish Moments

She took too much whiskey last night
Filled the emptiness that was inside of her
Let her forget for a moment
The time it felt to have his strong arms to circle her
She shifted for a moment into the warmth
Then her eyes shot open
And he was there, in her bed, next to her

She felt the cold wash over her
He wasn’t suppose to be here
Not in her room
Not here with her

She looked to make sure it was her bedroom
She felt nervousness as she glanced at the door
He must have mistaken her room again

She pulled away until his arm shot out and pulled her against him

She squeezed her eyes shut
He wasn’t hers
He wasn’t meant for her
He wasn’t the one that she would end up with
There was no chance that he would ever want someone like her

He felt her stiffen and let out a long sigh
He had a lot of explaining
But not right now, right now she was in his arms

He liked her better when she was drunk
Everything came out from her usually quiet form
He knew where he stood with her
He knew what was on her mind
It either took pissing her off or getting her drunk for her to open up

He would have eternity to make things right
To get her to have no filter
He promised himself, he couldn’t wait to tackle this world with her

Posted in Writing

Losing Followers

The world is closing around me
My breath catches as I gaze at you
As the story changes again

Its like a romance with a never ending story

Its so hard to tell you how I feel
Its so hard to describe to you what I see

I want you to see what I see
Feel what I feel

This world is lost in translation
I’m trying to paint it beautiful for you
But I can’t break through to you

You’ve turned into a robot
Following the masses
The bane of my existence
You’ve faded into the perfection of the social
Turned away from the way we use to live

You’re listening to the masses
You think I’m just some rebel
Fighting against the sith
You tell me to grow up
This isn’t a fantasy world

Isn’t it?

What others deem as successful
Doesn’t apply to me

I don’t want fame
I’d lose my freedom
From prying eyes

I don’t want wealth because everyone would come out of the woodwork
Asking for things they need, want
Where were they when I was poor?

I don’t want the spotlight to shine on me
Because the toxic would descend

But you want it all

Is it worth it?

Posted in Writing

The Likes of You

Confuse me
Throw me away
Tug me back

You think my heart was just a play thing
Something there you and your friends could laugh at

I’ve seen the likes of you many times in my life

Confuse me
Throw me away
Tug me back

You weren’t happy with your home life
You needed someone to vent to
So, you turned to me

Took everything I was for granted
Broke me apart at the seams

You were wrong when you thought I couldn’t stitch myself back together

Different, stronger
I would never go back to that hell

I sometimes feel the past loom over me
I reach for my brush, for my laptop
For my music, for some sort of release

I feel my demons start to crawl out
I let them loose on my work
My art, my writing, my singing
Until they’ve had enough and slither away
Back from where they came
For a time, saying goodbye to them

Until another incident makes them come out again
But this time I’m armed
I’ll fight them until I feel like me again

A constant war within myself
Trying to shut out all the damage you did

But I won’t be a victim
I won’t fall down
One of these days I’ll gain my wings
One of these days I’ll have enough
To where no one can ever hurt me again

Today is one of those days

Posted in Writing

Shining through

You’re back again
With your empty promises but now you’ve got more followers

You’ve got your lies circling again like vultures
You’re ignoring all my posts
All my paintings
Not a word from you
About how well I’m doing this
You’ve got your own life
You’re too busy to glimpse into mine
To see what I’m doing
No pride is coming from you
No words of comfort is coming from you
Only distance and silence

I build in pictures
I build in moments
I learned how to cope without you
I’ve leaned on myself for so long

But one word of encouragement
One word of acknowledgement
It hurts that the child within me still goes to you
Still waits to see if you if you’re looking my way

But nothing comes from you
Nothing shines on me
Just my own spotlight
Helping me to push forward
Those that aren’t blood related
Those that don’t have to be there
But are

I’ve leaned on myself for so long
I’ll shine with my own colors bright
Turning your silence
Turning my darkness to sunshine

Posted in Writing

Going with the Times

Call forth the winds
Count the days
Let the sun shine on the easy days
Let the rain pour and let me hide away on the rough days

Staring off into space
Thinking of all the things I need to do
But there’s no rush
There’s no need
Things will be what it will be

Let the music fade away
Let this coffee beside me cool down
Let the summer days start
Stare off into space

Sit on the front porch
Watch the rain pour
Let the wind breathe against your skin

Let this world keep rushing
But stay safe and stay home

Find your safe haven
Find your place
Clean out your own closet
Til the secrets stop
Til the lies end
Let go of the toxic

Let it subside
Til the secrets stop
Til the lies end
Let go of the toxic

Just let go

Posted in Writing

Sleepless World

Wake me up
Don’t let me fall asleep tonight
I don’t want the monsters in the closet to get me
I don’t want to be transported back to that time
A world without you in it
A time when you and I were leading 2 different lives

Not knowing what you had
Not understanding how great life could be
Makes the past dim and sad like a moonless night

Trying to function without you in it
Makes this a sad story
Going through the motions but always feeling like something was missing

While I was running away from the world
Driving 80 mph down the road
You were fighting for your survival
Sometimes you’d go without food
Other times you’d find yourself begging for a chance

Always lost, always sad
Your skin marks the time for you
Never forgetting what you went through
You didn’t love yourself
You felt the world on your shoulders
Thinking no one wanted you

But I did
When I found you I saw the broken boy in the man
I wanted you to find yourself
I wanted you to know what happiness was

I would have put your happiness before mine

Because that’s how love goes

Posted in Writing

Mirrored Barriers

When I started putting up the walls
That’s when everyone started running faster
Away from me
Closed myself in, only letting a select few in
I felt my world start to sing
I started finding my voice
I felt like this world wasn’t so scary anymore

I didn’t want to lost it all
I didn’t want to lose myself while trying to make everyone else happy

I wasn’t going to be the people pleaser anymore
I finally learned how to pick up a paintbrush
No more words of negativity impacting me from running it across the blank canvas
I finally started typing again
The rhythm of the music making my fingers fly across the keyboard
No longer trying to seek approval from those that will never say a word

Finally I let the mirror drop and the narcissists flee from my world
It wasn’t tilted around them anymore

I was letting myself be free
Cutting myself free from their ways
Letting my hair fall around me until you could finally see my face
Until you could finally hear me sing
Until you finally started seeing me sitting there at the canvas
Paint smeared on my face

A girl with her barriers

Posted in Writing

Shifting Vexation

She dyed her brown hair, blonde
She cut it short
Made her eyes change
Until the girl looking back at her was a total stranger
She put on the same lipstick she used
She changed her perfume
She shapeshifted into an unknown
Only in hopes to draw him to her
Only in hopes to be loved by him

She took her heart and put it away
She twisted his world
Brought him closer in
Pulled him away from her
She played her games
Being pitiful and sad
Needy and wanton

Felt the need to belittle him
Until he was nothing more than a quivering mess in her hands
He was under her spell

Until the night her succubus ways lost their touch

Angel eyes found him, talked to him
Reminded him of  free will
Her whispers brought him back to himself
She was brown haired, brown eyed
But she was real
She didn’t wear perfume
She didn’t pretend to be anything but herself
She was strong in her convictions
She knew where she stood with the world
She fought for what she loved and worked for what she wanted

The shapeshifter’s illusions faded away
And she crumbled onto the floor
Her heart still in the box

Posted in Writing

Your a snake in my dreams
My mind replays your memory
And I hate the longing for home that you make me feel
I cast you aside to live my life
To try my best without all the negativity
But you haunt my dreams
Showing me what use to be
But you were just playing a game of misery
You were just trying to stick your foot through my door
Trying so hard to mess up everything that I built
So you can have me on your puppet strings
Ready to perform for you

You made me laugh when I didn’t want to
You dressed me up the way you wanted me to be
You would pull me close then push me away
When I didn’t do your bidding

You drove me to the edge only to Yank me back
You made the Joker look tame compared to your mind games
I want you out of my head
I want your words to disappear
I want you to no longer control my Harley Quinn

Stop trying to crawl back through to make me your prey
I’m not your victim
Because I won’t let you into my life
So you can haunt my dreams
I’ll emerge stronger like I did in real life

When I got rid of the toxicity
All the problems went with your blocked ass
I’m not going to be Eve excepting your gifts in the from of a shiny apple

I’ll keep my promise to you
You’re never touching me or mine ever again