Posted in Writing

World full of Love

You’re changing before my eyes
Sometimes you don’t know how much I adore you

You twirl and giggle
The 3 of you stop my heart

Never thought this life that I’d live
Would be this full of love

Looking back, the night that haunts me the most
Was a clear night on a playground
I was in a black skirt, running around
Looking back to see him strolling casually behind me

We said goodbye 3x and 3x we came back to each other

Never thought this world would end up like this
Loving him gave me the world
But boy did it hurt like hell at times
In the end it was worth it

I’ll never find another him
I’ll never be this age again
And when our eyes meet and the world sings our song
I’ll never love like the way I love him

Posted in Writing

Growing Tales

Two holds the key to her heart
Two beckons her to them
But only one can she pick

She’s not into fairy tales
She’s not into being a girl
She’s her own being

Unique is what she is
Though she wears her heart on her sleeve
She has her tribe
Her people

She’s sassafras and lace
She’s a sunset day running through to twilight

She’s never in a good mood in the mornings
And she has a smile for different occasions
Sometimes she’ll let you get a glimpse of the woman she’ll become
But one thing is for, her moral compass is strong
She’s the better version of me
But she still has so much to learn
There’s so much she’s got to know
Before she makes her choice

But those boys won’t recover from her
I see their future
And I pray that patience guides them
But it s going to be love that transforms them

Posted in Writing

Flooding Color Vision

The floor slips out from under me
I’m falling into another world
I’ve lost my way again

My eyes are blinded
My heart is caught
The net tightens around me
I feel like I’m drowning now

The medicine won’t work
I can’t reach my inhaler
The air is escaping me
Its like wave after wave flowing over me
And I can’t catch a breath

My eyes are blinded
The floor slips out from under me
I’m falling into another world
I’ve lost my way again

Until strong arms grip me
Giving me breaths
Bringing me back
Color flooding my vision

“Breathe, damn it.”

My face starts to get wet
But its not my tears
Its his, falling on me
I see the green in his eyes
The only time I see it is when I’m so close I could kiss him
Those eyes, see straight to my soul
Calling me back to the living

Then I wake up….

Posted in Writing

Carry On

I was in love with your memory
I was in love with a time
I thought we were meant to be
That you would come running back to me

But we weren’t meant to be
I kept running back to you
Because you were the one thing that kept me going

When all my knights fell to the other side of the board
Your memory kept me going
Hoping that someone out there loved me
Someone out there wanted me

Didn’t want to play games with my heart
Or want anyone else but me

I kept my heart going on the hopes of a memory
A distant boy that was too perfect in my memory

But the woman I’ve become
The girl I once was, will never be that age again

The first loves are always bitter sweet

Maybe in another life, maybe in another time
You and I could meet and be friends
You and I could finally be on the same page

But I’m where I’m meant to be and so are you

So we’ll keep going on the hopes of our future
Let our memories go
With a wave and a farewell

Wishing you the best

Posted in Writing

Reminding away

The rain is falling today
I feel it in every fiber of my being
My soul is calling out for the redemption that you took

It was about what you needed
What you wanted
What you dream
But if I took a moment to dream

You had to remind me
Life is hard
Life isn’t suppose to be cherished
Only sadness and misery are there

You crumble into dust before my eyes
You show all the things to me
While telling me to shield my own
They’re too young, they need to be sheltered

Where was my shelter?

Where was my childhood?

I’m not a victim

I just want to know where my knight was
Where were the hands to shield me from the harshness
I just want answers
I just want to know why

You keep accusing that I want a war
I just want redemption
I just want someone to tell me I’m not crazy
I’m not the bad guy

The analysis came back to tell me
That I didn’t need you both as much as I should have
Everyone thought I was doing fine taking care of myself

There’s another break in the mirrored armor I wear

Another print out of results, telling me that I didn’t cling to anyone
So everyone thought I was okay, not broken just okay

There’s another chip in that mirrored armor I wear

I didn’t cry enough, to be cuddled
I didn’t speak but it was okay because children are suppose to be seen and not heard

I didn’t scream because my voice was taken away by the wars that were already being fought

I didn’t rage like everyone else did because I saw the hurt splintering the broken heart

There’s another severed slash in my mirrored armor I once wore

Now it hangs as a reminder of my personal hell

My silence was just another scar on my mirrored armor, everyone thought I was ok

There went elsewhere, they wanted to be needed and loved

Nothing left to see here

I emerged with lessons learned, brushing away the sadness
My silence is just another broken glass

Posted in Writing

Sold Out Heartbreak

You sold us out
You made empty promises
Lies that you couldn’t pay for

The more time progresses
I can’t do it anymore

You tricked me or maybe I tricked myself too

I’m not allowed to blame you
I’m not allowed to hold your past indiscretions
Because you’ll turn around and ask me, what about me?

What about me?
When did I betray you
What about me?
When did I lie to you?
What about me?
When did I make a promise I didn’t keep
What about me?
When did I say I would do something and I never did it?
What about me?
When did I make a vow and broke it?

I’m tired of everything is being my fault
I’m tired of living like this
Your maid
Your nothing
Holding on to when you fuck up again

I can’t do this anymore
The men in my life
Keep hurting me
And I can’t stand this anymore
I’d rather be alone
Then deal with all of your bullshits
All your lies

I’ve heard her say this is the last time too many times

She tried to save you
She tried to love you
She tired, she tried

Do you ever think of the woman you’re breaking?

The heart that won’t take chances on another anymore
Because of all that you did

But you’ll just pass her off as another diva

Scientists have proven that people can die of  a broken heart

But you have to have one first in order to understand how it breaks

Posted in Writing

The Future of Me

She was placed in your hands
She was so little
The smile on your face said everything

She grew up, pig tails
Raising her hands to you
Wanting to be lift higher
Thought you were her own private Superman

Pictures on your desk
But you barely call
You barely acknowledge her presence

Did you forget her?
Did you get too busy?

Does she really remind you too much of your ex-wife?
Is she really so bad that you can’t even call her?
Isn’t she half of you?
Do you even know her?

There’s so much she wants to say but it feels like you’re too busy for her

There was a time, she tried to get your attention
But you were always off, leaving her behind
A woman who hated the sight of her because she reminded her too much of you
The words that would strike her, and you were gone
Only a phone call away
An afterthought, you were trying to escape the hurt
But you couldn’t see past yourself
To see the little girl that needed your protection
The pain that little girl had to go through
But she was good at pitting you against her
Ladies should never be around a group of men
Children are suppose to be seen and not heard

Quiet dinners
No laughter in the house
Conversation was stilted
Went from A/B Honor roll
To failing

She learned early on that prince charming wasn’t going to save her
So she rose higher
Pulled away and promised herself that she’d never be like either one of you

She learned how to grace life with humor
She learned how to not take any of your traits
The manipulative, the narcissistic discard, the hate

She left it all behind

She became everything that you didn’t teach her

In that house, she didn’t learn about love
She saw hate, abuse, screaming and resentment
It killed her not to be embraced
There was no support once high school hit
No one thought she was going to graduate
She lost her grandfather and she couldn’t go
Because she was told that she’d have no where to live
She cried as she felt alienated
She just wanted to say goodbye
No one knew the pain

She didn’t even believe in herself

As she’s grown there have been rarely words of pride
She thought she didn’t need them
But sometimes when someone looks at her and tells her how far she’s come
She sits there stunned

She had her heart set on people that were too busy for her
Her arms ache to get past the awkward hugs
Her heart aches just to be loved

She’s had to raise kids and do everything that wasn’t done for her
She learned to turn the negative into a positive
To stop the bitter tongue from lashing out at the innocent

She learned to be the hero that she needed when she was younger
To show her kids how to not repeat the cycle
Show them that no matter how life is
Never forget to apologize, always keep your promises
Never lie because then you have to remember the lies
All that wasted time to be manipulative and hurtful

She won’t be the fool
She won’t fall back into losing the temper, the screams and the lies

She’s raising them better

Posted in Writing

Judgmental Trolls

Please don’t think I’m pathetic
Just because I post my inner thoughts on here
I’m not weak

I’m not the kind to give up
So just because you’re reading my words
Just because you think you’re getting the whole story
You’re not

Yesterday is filled with pain, ups and downs

But I don’t stay there
I vivist often to understand where I’m coming for

For a few minutes I let out all the words that needed to be said

Sometimes I revisit more times than I should
But I’m still learning
I’m reminding you I’m human
But this is all just one chapter

You want episodes? You want Seasons
Honey I don’t have time for your tv sitcoms

Lessons that I have dealt with
People that have passed by
Without a backward glance
Discarding us

One missed phone call, one missed meeting can change your whole world

One missed word out of a sentence can change everything

To the pot stirrers, the peekers, the stalkers that think they know me

You don’t

So you can peek into my writing
You can follow me

But know that you’re only getting one side of the story

This is my truth not anyone elses
Hence why it has my name on it 😀

Posted in Writing

Death’s Moments

That moment where you have nothing to punch
Nothing to unleash the anger
Another day of your opinions sounding off in my ear

You have no clue how it feels

Another day of being connected to another IV
Doctors standing over me
The pain of having to deal with shots, medications

But you think you know everything

12:08am another run to the emergency room

8:30am another run to another doctors appointment

1:05pm another run to another doctor’s appointment

2:34pm another run to another doctor’s appointment

You don’t even check in with me

One of these days I won’t be here and you wouldn’t even know

You know anything about what I’m fighting so hard to keep

You’re faced with your own immortality

You’re the only one whose knocking on deaths door
Tears fall from my eyes as I have to type this
Because you have no clue

Keep your world revolving
Keep your inner circle
Leave me out of it

You have no clue

Posted in Writing

No longer holding

I waited for you so long
To be the what I needed
To be the person I wanted most in this life

To hold me in your arms

I turned to you when the world was crumbling
But you turned away from me

When my world burned
You concentrated on the friends I was surrounded by instead of my life
Slowly ticking by, you lost your shit
While I had to learn to depend on myself

Where were you when I needed my mom?

Where were you when I needed arms to comfort me
The war within myself you thought I was crazy
You listened to everyone but me

I needed you to hear me
To make me feel like I was someone

Show me how to navigate this world

But every time he left you turned to me
I had to learn to be strong for you
I had to navigate past your excuses

A 13 year old me, who should have been concentrating on school
Trying to survive the world
Waiting for someone to save me
But no one came

So I picked myself up
Brushed myself off

Learned how to perfect the smile
Act like everything was alright
Hide the pain
Because you wanted perfection
You wanted a perfect daughter
I was just never good enough for you
I was never what you wanted
Until you needed a pawn
A chess piece

Dear me :

You did your best, I’m proud of the woman you became.  I see your struggles.  I’m glad you made it.

You were told so many things when you were younger, you were accused of so many things when you were younger.  But you became so strong, so brave.  You’ll never get the apologies from the ones that tormented you.  But that’s ok, because the woman you are today is everything you needed to be.  Head up, you survived and have the life lessons to pass on and be the mother no one taught you how to be.  Be the good wife that no one taught you had to be.  The dreamer might be pushed down but the realist you have become is something that is awesome.  When no one else tells you, know that I am so proud of you.