Posted in Writing

Nonexistent Look

She dreams against a sunset sky
Her eyes are always looking up
While her heart is caged

The lights are pulsating
The music is loud
No one sees her in a crowd of women

She’s not drawing attention to herself
She’d rather be able to move her hips
Singing her heart out in a sea of faces
Knowing that no one else is going to see her

She likes to be ignored because it gives her a better chance to observe this world
Seeing things that others don’t notice
While the desperate are out
Drinking the night away
Looking for the next lay
She’s sitting back watching the sea of faces
Laughing and giggling at others antics
Because she doesn’t need a man
She doesn’t need Mr. Right now
She’s a forever girl
Who doesn’t need the night life

She’d rather be at home reading a book
She’s not seeking anybody
Because she knows that everyone that is out at the bar tonight
Won’t be looking for a forever girl
Won’t be looking past the librarian glasses and covered overalls
They’re too busy looking for exposed skin and drunken abandonment

Its ok she’ll just sit back and sip on her tequila and watch with a bag of popcorn

Posted in Writing

The Crime Scene of Cursed Words

When your words hit me, I feel my world shatter.

“Leave.  Before we wake up regretting something that we did.”

I run out the door and shut it behind me.

I hear you begin to curse, I hear things crash behind me.  There’s the temper that you’re known for.

I don’t dare to stay behind to find out how badly you trash your apartment.  I don’t want to be a causality of your anger.

There’s pain under that anger that I know no girl can fix.  There’s so much more to you, you make complicated look tame.

I feel like an embarrassment as I run home.  I’m out of breath as I reach my door, trembling hands unlock my door and I’m assaulted with memories of earlier this evening.

We started it off like always, on the sofa, two friends enjoying time together but with us it always escalates quickly.  I tried to put a stop to it.  But you kept pushing and I was amazed, you always backtrack faster than I do.

The kisses wouldn’t stop and you seemed younger than you have in a long time.

You were the boy that I use to know before she broke you.  The playful side I hadn’t seen in forever and then we moved it from my house to yours.  Your hand on mine, your thumb rubbing my skin, you were so afraid of losing contact that you wouldn’t stop touching me, subtle caresses.

I thought we were finally progressing but as soon as we stepped into your living room, it was like your senses awoke and you turned on me.

I tried to hold onto your hand, if we kept the touch you would realize before you said something that you couldn’t take back.

But instead you pulled your hand angrily out of mine and I felt pain as the word I didn’t want to hear came out.  I knew this was it.  There was a crime scene in your living room.  My heart was lying on the floor shredded to pieces so I left the police tape there with the chalked outline of my heart behind.

Let you break your apartment apart, I wasn’t going to be there to witness the further development of your crime scene.

 

Posted in Writing

Against Each Other

You’ve always got something to say
Whether its about how I am
How I look
Or what’s so funny about the way I am

You’ve always got the laugh track in your head
But you don’t take the time to look at me
See how much it hurts

You’re like the 2nd grader
Pulling my hair
Tearing me down

You think this is how you show someone you love them
But I’m not thick skinned
I’m trying so hard, struggling through this thing called life

Keeping it together and keeping my demons at bay isn’t easy
But your comments beat me down
You’re trying to diffuse situations
You rely on your defense mechanisms but you forget there’s 2 people here

I’m not on the same wave length
I’m always thinking about you
But you never take a moment to see all that I’m doing
And before you mouth off, you act like you don’t
You don’t stop for a minute and see me standing here battling everything

Loving somebody is so hard
Trying so hard to maintain a relationship is so hard
Its a constant fight, against the outside world, against the turmoils of life and then trying to battle yourself

Trying so hard to remember that I’m worthy to love, that my demons screaming in my head are wrong – that I’m meant for you
Even though your past actions showed me something else
I struggle with that too
I’m use to feeling not wanted
A burden
A mistake

I still want to believe in marriage
I want to believe in love
But you’re not making this easy
And I can’t hold on for very much longer
This isn’t easy and you’re here again
Staring at me making me the butt of your jokes and I just feel like I’m losing again

So tonight, I’m going to shut down and let the demons take over me
Tonight, I can’t fight it off

Posted in Writing

Save the Poor, the downtrodden

So many times I thought I wasn’t going to make it
Sometimes I would wake up gasping for breath
Wishing someone would come through and save me
But I had to save myself
I had to push my way through the pain

My heart crying where are you
Why didn’t my Superman come and save me?
Where was the hope in the dark of the night
As I’m sprawled out on the floor
Crying out in pain

So hungry, so poor
Couldn’t even afford the rent
The pounding on the door
The police have come to take away my life
Arrest me because I have no one I can turn to
No one is there to bail me out
Can’t pay my bills
All my paycheck is spent, gone in a blink of an eye
Sorry Miss, nothing we can do, we’re just paid to do our jobs

This world is pointing fingers at each other
But there’s no one up there behind that mahogany stand representing me
No one up there living from paycheck to paycheck
No one up there in that nice White House pleading for my case

Instead they take away all the help and I’m making too much when I’m not making enough to survive

Working so hard to survive but what’s this life about
Where’s the love?
Where’s the manners?
Where’s the niceties?

Too many injustices
Too many screams of offending hearts

Can’t speak your mind
Shhhh they’re coming to take you away
Too many trolls hiding behind a screen trying to be famous for 5 minutes

Where’s the justice, oh yeah its a Benjamin being slipped pass the eyes of the press

Where are the people that once gave a shit
Only care when it benefits them
Until there’s an outcry of rage
Maybe they’ll finally stand up for the survivors of 911 after years of denying those first responders but oh yeah its a New York problem…..
They didn’t say that when they sacrificed their lives
What about the rest of the problems
When are the blind going to start to see?

After a few die maybe they’ll stand up for the poor, the sick that need medical care

What about the veterans that you send to a war
Where are the White Haired politicians while there’s a solider suffering from PTSD?
Turned away from the VA again because there’s not enough funding
How about those politicians that get a lifetime of medical for free, put down the damn golf balls – Your country is suffering

You have two eyes, a nose, hell you look human
So where’s your sacrificing for your country?
Did you forget while sitting in your posh chairs and luxury cars that could stock my fridge for a year on the salaries you make

But what’s it going to take for this world to start caring anymore?

Trade places with the poor for a day
See how well you live now
But you’ll never come down to my level
That would mean you’d have to understand
Compassion
Ha!

Posted in Writing

Breathing Souls

He took a deep breath, “Look, man I know why you chose her.  But you’ve got to understand I want her in my life too.  She makes this world worth living in.  She brings everything into focus, without her, I’m nothing. ”

He nodded his head in response to every word I said, “Then we’ve got a problem, because she does the same thing for me.  She brings this light to my life.  When her arms wrap around me, I feel like I can save her and not be the fuck up that my Dad treated me as.  With her in my life, choosing her is second to breathing.”

Our fists clashed after that, we felt like we couldn’t settle it any other way.  We were fighting for our very lives.

She came at the wrong moment, we heard her screaming both of our names, we stopped in mid punch, him on top of me, our faces bloodied.

No clue how it could end, who would come out the winner but we felt like we both lost as her eyes clouded with tears, her anger vibrating from her body

She clutched her chest as if she was having a heart attack, her body shaking, her tears falling furiously from her eyes as she looked at us with hatred

Should have been only a quick moment for us to break apart and run to her but it felt forever and trying to get to her first made me feel slow and sluggish and I felt like he beat me to her, the fear of losing to him, settled onto my chest which made me push faster, harder

As soon as my hand reached hers, her eyes looked into mine and I knew I was the losing party and as he pulled up to her other side and her eyes sought his – taking in every scrape, every dent that I had plummeted into his face – his eyes meeting hers, I knew that I was back to being invisible again

Their bond was stronger than anything she had ever felt for me.  It was like time took them away from me and it was just him and her.  I dropped my hand, pain shooting to my heart.

 

 

Posted in Writing

Silent, Separate Worlds

You weren’t suppose to become a stranger
You were suppose to still be here
You were suppose to be in my world, apart of it

Instead you spun me off orbit
With your betrayal
With your silence
I took it and accepted where my place was with you

You knew that I was burnt, scarred and hurt
Yet you were no better than the others
Left me to the fire and didn’t say a word

I would have fought for you
I would have done anything to pull you from the flames
But you never did the same for me
Unless there was an audience

When gold was thrown your way
You turned a blind eye
Chose your side
Ran with it
Hope it keeps you warm at night

Betrayed anyone who wasn’t a benefit to you
Judas was always your patron
Brutus was your savior

You were never mine

 

Posted in Writing

Day 173 Birthday

This is the one day that I find happiness
Its the day that I was born

There’s many that have said that they wish I never graced this world
But with the sun I put those to the past and enjoy the rays of hope

I’m not young and stupid anymore
But I’m not old and ready to part this life

I’ve been burned, torn down, abused, used as someone elses excuses
But I’m still standing here
I’m still looking up into the sky holding on to hope

I’m not made to fall down or be under someone’s feet
I’m here to live my life to the fullest and tend to my own green grass
I won’t let anyone tear me down
I’m a Queen only because I’ve been through the fire and I know what’s my worth

So Happy Birthday to me
To another year of learning and changing, letting go and removing all the toxicity

May another year bless you as well.

 

Sending love, excitement & Hope

B

Posted in Writing

Story Weaving and Dragons

She sits at the head of the table
Some are in shock that she’s taking the reins
Rolling the dice to decide the fate

Judge, Jury & Executioner

You don’t know how long she prepared for this moment
To have the light shine on her
To weave your story telling muscles
To begin a story that’s been burning from her pen
Never thinking someone else would hear it come to life

Drawing up the character sheets, rolling initiative
Trying so hard to draw a map that would be simple but for her it sketches the world that they’re all about to delve into

The people that are shown, the NPCs that are casted all have a story to tell
Nothing is as it seems
Things are never what they appear to be

Follow the unicorn down the rabbit hole because the wolf devoured the rabbit

Let’s go and run amok another world
Delve into the minds of the many
Only to showcase a scene that’s never been played before

Are you ready?

I Am!

Posted in Writing

Demon Chaser

Baby, pick up the phone
It’s raining tonight
The weather suits my mood

I need you
I’m running to you
You were bitching about how I didn’t trust you
You complained how I didn’t run to you
Well, tonight I’m running to you
I need your arms to take away this chill that the world left behind

I need you to whisper away all the voices that are running through my head

All the fears are running my heart amok and I need you to chase away this nightmare

When its you and me, we can conquer the world
But when its just me, I feel the cold seep in
I see your face every time I close my eyes
I bring your image to my mind so you can chase the demons from my anxiety
I feel like I’m losing my breath

Please kiss the life back into me

I’m losing my bravery
Please come and save me
All I need are your arms wrapped around me

Even if its just for tonight
Come stand in the rain with me
Chase away the darkness that’s pushing into my body
Let me borrow you, just for tonight

Posted in Writing

Just Be Friends

They sat next to each other
Her eyes telling him how much she loved him
As she listened to his stories
Laughed when he made a joke
Cried alongside of him when he met trouble

Always there, so close to holding his hand
So close to being more but never reaching that point

He kept going, blindly
Never seeing her as anything more than a bump in the world

But its funny how fate has other plans

According to Greek Mythology, the Gods made humans with 4 arms, 4 legs, 4 eyes, 2 mouths and 2 noses but Zeus took one look at them and decided that they were too powerful so he split them in half – leaving them to find the other half of themselves.  These people are called soulmates.