Page 365 of 365 Year 2018

HER:
I stood under the lights and felt like I would never see the back of her eyelids
Looking down at the one beer that I had been nursing for the last hour
Warm beer never tastes right, I thought sighing to myself
I  didn’t feel like dumping it in the potted plant, even though it was fake

I looked to my left and saw a trash can next to an empty couch
Everyone else was too busy trying to hook up elsewhere
Quietly, I walked over, discreetly putting my beer in the trash, taking off my glasses and laid down on the couch

HIM:
I looked around and saw couples everywhere but I  saw the couch in the corner was occupied by a sleeping girl,  I looked to my right and saw my buddies began to head towards her

I quickly intercepted them and gave them a meaningful look
From the look on their faces I succeeded in warding them off

The countdown would begin in five minutes
So I sat on the floor in front of her, holding her small hand in mine, grabbing her glasses before they fell from her slack hand
I felt her startle awake as the countdown began
“Shhh” I said, with a smile on my face

HER:
There was a guy, sitting on the floor in front of me, cross legged, holding my hand as if he knew me
He calmly handed me my glasses that I had thought had fallen into the couch
As I put them on I realized he wasn’t a stranger …..

Before I could say a word, cheers rose and he kissed me, “Happy New Years.”

One year later. . .

HIM:

For a freakin year, she has skirted around the issue
I’ve tried everything – from romantic dinners to movies
She wouldn’t budge – Now I’m standing near the same spot where all of this began
Always waiting on her

HER:

I fidgeted as I faced what I had always known but couldn’t come to grips with
I loved him
I shouldn’t, but I do
I put my head against the glass door then took a deep breath and opened it

HIM:

She walked in and my breath stopped, just for a moment
She walked up to me and bowed her head
“I love you.”  I whispered
Then just like last year we heard cheers erupted, it was the New Year

She looked up and smiled at me, “I love you too, babe.”

Finally!

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Tilted

He ran out that night
Off on some great adventure
He left her behind in tears

His heart was left with her, but she never knew that

He ran far from the expectations that were set on his shoulders
Far from the responsibilities that he had to face
Forgot everything he claimed to be
Instead became a chameleon

Never staying in one place long enough
Never wanting to fall into what he once had
Girls were just a dime a dozen
But no one held him to this Earth
Not like her

There was never going to be another her again

The snow fell around him and he looked up to realize that he had finally come back
Some how his feet had made him come back

He didn’t realize that he was heading home until he saw the sign
His mind back peddled
But his heart, urged him to go farther
Just to take a peek

He saw his boy all grown
He saw a girl beside him
His ex-wife, laughing beside a man that didn’t look much older than himself
There were celebrations going on, fireworks exploding but all he felt was the explosion inside of him
He had lost her to another man because he didn’t to be absent from their lives
And here she stood, still beautiful as ever
Moved on

The anger coursed through his body, the unfairness of it all
But when in truth who did he have to blame but himself

He saw his son smile at the woman beside him
That was him, that was his life back then with the boy’s mother
And he ruined it all, on some stupid fear

That fear reared her ugly head again, pushing his feet to backtrack
Pushing his body to move
But instead of running away he found himself moving closer to them

He reached out to touch her long hair, once colored now gone silver
He just wanted to see if it was still soft as he remembered
When his eyes met hers, surprise colored hers, shame colored his

Before a word was spoken …. he saw his son’s fist in his face and the world tilted.

“Hello Mary.”  He said as he rubbed jaw, “Nice right hook, son.”

Approaching Disruption

Another reminder being announced

Another shot fed through the blood stream
Another intake of numbers
Another sorting of pills into days of the week

Living in a world where the cost for me to survive each month is the equivalent to that of mortgage payment

Struggling with eating
Struggling with the numbers that revolve around my life

Struggling with getting enough money for the drugs that I need

Everyone has their own battles they’re fighting

What made you think I was exempt from all of mine?

Doctors always have great advice
But lack the understanding
A lot of them have never had to deal with the injection
The worry of if there’s the right food in the house

And then here comes the confusion
Are you Type 1 or Type 2

There’s a big different between the two

When you run low on the amount of dosage and instead of being given one dose
You have to give two shots in one setting

Of peoples thoughtless judgments
Only fat people have diabetes
Ooo maybe you should lose more weight

Seriously, not helping
Please take your nice pill because the rude pill is about to get you smacked

Dealing with what you should and shouldn’t eat
Always living in moderation
Always being lectured at what the number on the scale should say
What the number on the meter should be
And seeing the numbers on the insulin pens …. lovely

I am more than just a person with diabetes
I am more than just another number whether be on a scale on in a doctors office
Another number on the dial
Measuring how much insulin should be injected into my skin

I am more than the Levinmir that I have to take 2 times a day
Or the other lists of drugs that I am on

But at the end of the day it’s another shot
Another prick to the finger after doing 3 earlier just to get a reading on my blood sugar

I. hate. it.

Keep your bright sides to yourselves and let me wallow for just a moment
Let me whine for just a minute

Okay, I’m done
Moving on, brushing myself off and putting my long hair back into a pony tail

I can do this …. until another shot has to be injected *groans*

 

Distracting Chaos

He had his eyes set on the prize
She was suppose to be a causality in the bodies that he would leave in his wake
But instead she became his accomplice
His soul searched her
His brain calculated the problems she would bring about

Putting her first, made all of his decisions even harder

She was his saving grace
But if he kept her near
She would be his first murder
She was his weakness

Her kisses were like that first time you take a snowflake onto your tongue
Her touch meant too much to him
Her fingertips gracing across his skin
Were little I love yous waking him up to this world

Her sweet breath whispering his name
Brought him down to his knees
And when her eyes sought him out
He felt like Superman
He would fly as fast as he could
Just to be held between her arms

As the world was exposed to the chaos he created
He covered her and protected her
Like she was a Goddess made just for him
And she was distracting him from accomplishing his goal
Ask him if he cared
His give a fucks were all gone by the time his hand touched hers

The Scene

I glanced down at my watch
I was running late again

I walked into the room to see both of their faces red as a tomato
She looked like she was about to run away
But his hands were the only thing keeping her there
She stood there battling wills with him with only her eyes
Hers, were begging to go
His, were begging her to stay

Then it was the slap that shocked all of us out of our reveres
His head moved in slow motion to the side
The hand print already starting to bristle against his face

She tugged once but I saw his hands only visibly tighten around her wrist

His eyes met mine and then he turned his heated gaze on her
She visibly shrank into herself

She was once quoted to say, “A mistake from the beginning never rights the wrongs.”

But now looking at her I now realize who she was talking about

“I love you.”

A sudden, sharp intake of breath broke the silence and I realized it was me that had taken that breath.

Then the lights went out

Broken Christmas

She was putting the finishing touches on the tree and looked up at him to grimace
She sighed to herself
It was so hard

He scoffed as he looked at the transformed living room
Glaring at all the objects that were put up
And then seeing her in the middle of it
So cute
With her Christmas sweater
Her cute Vixen or was it Comet reindeer slippers
Her hair up in a messy bun
Her eyes looking at him expectantly

He turned on his heel and left the small apartment.

She slumped down next to the tree
Not even a response
She wanted to cry
She moved herself to the window
To the beautiful painted scene
And sat down at the desk
Looking at outside
Her eyes got sleepy and before she could think anymore on him
Her eyes closed

He came home fifteen minutes later
Not wanting to deal with her he came to the window and peered inside
His heart melted as he saw her there at the desk that he had put facing the street

Her head bent over her crossed arms
She loved Christmas so much
But he couldn’t stand it
Too many bad memories
Too many fights
But she had done the best she could
And he acted like a Grinch

He put his face closer to the window

:: A different scene, a different day ::

“You know the idea of Santa is pretty messed up, a fat man breaking into houses and having little people determining if you’re good or bad, add in the present making thing, aren’t there laws on the elves being overworked for just one night?”

She put her hand over his mouth, “You’re ruining Christmas for me. Stop!”

She quickly pulled away as her eyes met his and turned around.  He quickly put his hand against his lips where her hand had been and he could still feel her warmth

When he saw her begin to turn around, he put his hand down and turned away, heading to the kitchen

She watched his retreating back and sighed

They had been perfect roommates until December 1st came and since that day, each day he got worst as Christmas neared

She pushed through it all, the things that always put a damper on her life, the negativity
But when it came to him, her heart broke
How could someone hate Christmas so much

She felt a tear slip as she hung the mistletoe
He stood in the doorway of the kitchen and watched her as she stood on the step stool
He felt his heart clench when he saw that tear slip down her cheek

Invented

All you hear from his room are the tinkering of things
Whirls hit your ears
And as he sits in his room
Life passes him by
And still he sits in his room

She drags him out one day
And it changes his life

He felt life was dull
Not worth looking at
But she brought color to his world
She turned and in that moment he knew what he had been missing

He ran after her that day

When he finally caught up with her
He felt like his world was turned upside down
He was just a boy standing in front of a girl
She said no thanks like he was just offering her a snack
He chose then that he needed to change

Over the months he began to better himself
He wanted to be somebody
Somebody worth having

He changed his habits
He was finding himself
Everyday he made sure to see her
She would always greet him with a sweet smile

He never knew she saw everything that he did and she was so proud of him
But it was her that needed to change and the day that he asked her
She chose to change herself

She was finding herself
She wanted to be somebody
Somebody worth having

In the end when the day came and he tried again

She smiled and said yes

Two imperfect people finding their way

Determined Happiness

Lift your eyes and stare at the clouds above
Don’t lose hope

Don’t think for a moment that your prayers aren’t heard
Don’t let your thoughts ruin the rare moments of happiness

Don’t lose sight of what matters

Don’t give into the pain

Lead yourself into the light

Look through the eyes of a child
And you may just tap into what’s missing

Open a book and escape to another place
Without never leaving your home

Don’t lose hope
Because she’s always dancing around us
She never gives up on us
So don’t give up on her

Hang in there
Find happiness
She’s the one tapping you on the shoulder
With a smirk and a wink

Don’t give up
Believe
Hope
Dream

Keep Going

The Christmas lights are up
The happiness that she sees
She wishes it was contagious

She watches as the rain falls
Seeing the littles wishing for snow

She feels like she’s old beyond her years
She won’t let anyone know what’s in her heart

She’ll smile brightly
Hold onto the light that she share with her

But every day it becomes harder
She wants to just lie down and sleep away the season

Give up on this life
But she can’t because there is so much to live for

She pushes herself to be apart of the living
She tries her hardest to keep up
Keeps her head held high

Keeps that smile on her face
Keeps the postivity going even when she doesn’t feel it
Even when she doesn’t want to please anyone

She still smiles and sees it through because she’s never been a quitter

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