Dear Me

**Listening to Family Portrait by Pink**

Dear me

I’m so sorry for the times that I thought I was doing the best by you.  I’m sorry for the men I let into your life – some of them I had no control over and they hurt you.

I’m sorry for the people that I put before you.  Thinking that they would have done the same for you as I did for them but only turned around and dragged us into their drama and left us holding everything while they flitted away to live their lives.

Dear me, I’m sorry for the times that I thought I was doing right by you when all I did was hurt you instead of hurting the person that hurt me.   That told me that I was ugly, a whore, hideous and I shoved food into you until I stopped one day and saw the terror I had done to you.

I’m sorry for the scars left on you and the pain I inflicted because I thought no one loved me.  When I should have been loving myself. For threatening to cut you over a boy that didn’t give me the time or the day.  When my life has always been worth more than any boy.  I’m sorry for the times I wished I had never been born because my parents made me feel like a burden and a pawn in their selfish lives while they tried to tear each other apart and instead made me bear their pain when they couldn’t even get along.

I’m sorry that it took me so long to get to where I am and to realize that the resentment I feel isn’t towards myself anymore.  For once I love myself and I have pulled away from all the toxic people to save myself.  I’m still working on me and I’ll make it up to you by first loving myself.  I won’t do the mistakes from the past.  I won’t let you fall so deep I’ll pick myself up and I won’t threaten to take my life because its a life worth living.

Thank you for being me.  Thank you for letting me have one body.  From here on out I’ll take care of it.

Thank you for reading this.

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The Disappearance of a woman

You can drink away all of this
In a moment you can forget what we were to each other

You can even deny what you see in my eyes
I’ll be cold to your touch
Disappearing before your eyes
You can brush past the woman that’s going non stop on very little sleep

You can forget
Deal with what’s right in front of you
Turn the tv up loud
Not deal with any of it

Just fall asleep right where you are
So easy to slip past this world
I’ll answer the phones, I’ll compose the letters
The secretary has appeared

Don’t speak because every word out of her mouth will just upset you
Don’t let it out because she’s wrong again tonight
Its all her fault again
Not making enough excuses to cover you anymore

Read the journal from the beginning and you’ll have all your answers
Laid out and in writing

Broken rules
Forgotten promises
Mistakes keep being made
Wonder why you’re met with resentment?
Because she’s disappearing before you
Wonder why all the fights have stopped
Because she’s past the point of telling you
A woman can only point out so much
Until she realizes that no one is listening

Breaking the Pieces

She was born during a time when the world only viewed women as complacent
She always felt like she could easily be replaced at any time
She was just there to fill a void
To be shown as a monkey

She was no one’s girl
She was no one’s love

Her heart was pulled this way and that
As long as everyone could get their own happy ending
No one worried about the little girl that stood there, like a puppet on strings

When she needed someone, no one was there
She learned early to rely on herself
Words were just waste coming from peoples mouths

She watched as others fell in love
Only to get burn and tossed away
She watched as Prince Charming never came

Only the illusion that everything was ok kept others sane

She learned all that was wrong in the world from the beginning

But still her light shone and she kept pushing hope to the front of all other emotions
Because hope was her only prayer
The last thing on her lips before she fell alseep
The only thing keeping her broken heart from completely disintegrating

This was her chance to not fall into the bitterness she had watched from the time she could retain a memory
She kept her sunny disposition until hope showed her all this world offered

Let me tell youk, she shined brighter than any star because she didn’t lose

 

Former Devotion

This letter I’m composing you
Its been in my head for days
I’ve tried to push it away but the words keep forming

Screaming for me to write it down
Though you’ll never see it

Two people use to be more to each other
Are now just strangers

The love letters we use to exchange are now all burned
Our time is long dead and gone

We’re like two souls once connected but now drifting apart
It was never to let each other go
But we had to, to better ourselves and evolve

Though we’re always going to have a piece of each other
And sometimes I still feel your arms around me
We have moved on

So I wish you the best
I hope you’re succeeding in everything that you do
I hope that you find happiness
As I have

Deciding to Stand Out

I can’t read the future
I can’t pretend like I know everything
But I know where I want to be
I know who I want to be with

I’ve grown over the years
I know who I want to surround myself with
I know when I want to be alone
Because I’m one of those people whose not afraid of being alone

Its good to know where I stand
So I can put boundaries on others

I won’t let anyone  hurt me anymore
I won’t bring anyone down and I don’t want anyone to put me down
I won’t give people that power over me anymore
I’ve already been a disappointment to many
So I’ll just keep going at my own expectations and not try to rise to anyone elses ever again

I know where I’ve been
I know where I’m going
All it took was a decision
I’ll make it right again
Learn from my mistakes

I won’t be making the same mistakes again
I want to succeed and I will
Because that’s who I am

Because that’s who I want to be

Slumbering Love

Unpacking our new place together
Going through the steps like every couple before us

Loving each other, laughing as we play fight

Everyone tells us we’re in the honeymoon stages
But we feel like we’ve doing this forever

Passing each other in the hallway, can’t get enough of each other
Loving each other like this world is going to end
Finding ways to show our love
Dancing in the hallway with the lights off
Only being in each others world

Finding ways to keep this love alive
Thinking we’re never going to be like everyone else

Finding your hand as you sleep
Learning to say I love in different languages just so I can show you how much you mean to me

Being with you makes me want to pick flowers and live in the spotlight like a sunflower
You’re leading me down this life with happiness and fairy tales
You’re breathing hope back into me
Giving me a reason to smile for no reason at all

Because of you, finding sleep next to you is better than heaven

Against the Equation

He was all set against us from the beginning
He thought we were all sorts of wrong for each other
Nothing in this world would change her mind
He called her clingy and pititful
Until she stood up and challenged him
Just give me one chance, she whispered against his skin

He froze, his eyes closing, letting her sweetness surround him

He felt himself relenting, “Fine.”

From that day on he showed his worst to her
He treated her like she was nothing
All the while whispering to himself this was for the best

She watched him walking around with a bat on his shoulder and a chip on his other
She watched him explode
She saw the worst come out of him
Until he turned on her

He was coming at her and she met him with her arms
He felt himself stop, the onslaught dying on his lips
She pulled him closer and made him bow his head
He was stunned no one ever had the guts to hug him not since his mother had died

She whispered, “Just let it out, I’ve got you.”
Instead of angry words the tears just began to drop
She shielded him from it all, people passed them, not a look toward their direction as he let his heart finally cry

I’ll protect you, She whispered.

His arms squeezed her tighter, “I’ll love you.”  He whispered and heard her surprised gasp

From that day forward she was the only one who he was kind to
She was the love of his life and if anyone ever said anything against her, was brought down by the King of Hate.  Because only with her he loved .

Family Angst

Another night of her storming out the door
Her mom screaming at her back
Her life feels bleak and alone

She hears steps behind her and she keeps walking
She puts her hair up and puts in her ear buds
But then he takes one out of her ear and falls in step with her

She turns startled and a bit annoyed
He’s always there by her side
When her days go to shit because of a mom who has more problems than an issue of a vogue magazine

He doesn’t push her or tries to make her feel better
He just stays by her side
Even from the beginning the only time he’ll intervene is when she goes to far
Calls her names that aren’t true
He’ll be there when no one else is there for her

Her teenage angst as he likes to call it won’t spin out of control because he will always be there
He’ll catch her when she falls, or so he saids with a flick to her forehead
She usually scoffs at him but tonight she just moved closer to his warmth
Then felt his jacket go around her shoulders and her surprised eyes caught his and all he did was nod

Her defenses fall even lower as she pulls his jacket around her more tightly as they walk down the street together listening to the same love song

Foreshadowing what’s to come

Them against the world

Ignoring Ivory

Tonight you’re going to have to bare with me
As the words fly from my fingertips
As I say all I want to say to you
But the words never go to your ears
Because you’re too busy talking over me, again

You never take me seriously
You think I just have stupid dreams
Music is my calling
I feel it all at once
As my fingers play against the keys and you never realized what I wanted to do
You never took me seriously even then

You wanted me to play the flute, the guitar
But all I wanted to do was run my fingertips over ivory keys

Again, you sink me into the role you want me to be
After he’s gone I’m the only one that you go to
The one who you beat your fists against

The one who is your escape goat
And you don’t care if I break
I’m made out of stone
There can never be chunks missing from my armor
I’m not even suppose to let the tear stain the marble pieces that I’m made of
Or else I’ll damage your happiness
I don’t know where to go when you begin your assault on me
All I can do is stand there like a solider and deal with it
No one to save me
No one to take me away from your hate

Finally when you’re done
You turn away, only then do I fall to the floor

I’m made out of stone
There can never be chunks missing from my armor
You can never see the falling marble

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